the best wedding present ever

I was married over the summer, and we were fortunate enough to get quite a few lovely wedding gifts from all of our friends and family. We now have enough bowls and platters to host a party every night for the next three months and never use any of them twice.

Storage of said bowls and platters is another issue unto itself.

However, best gift of them all goes to my brother-in-law's good friends, Jeff and Maureen: the egg mcmuffin maker.

I now have the ability to wake up in the morning, break an egg into a small four-inch pan, and turn it into a perfectly poached egg that would be suitable for a McDonald's commercial.

"Thank you" just isn't sufficient enough to express my gratitude.

who knew?

Little did I know how much joy a third lane can bring into my life!

The funny part is that it's going to be no better than it was before the construction, but after a full year of gridlock it sure feels sweet.

why didn't i think of that?

I went to the movies last week with my family. We saw the new Indiana Jones movie - a bit of a family tradition.

We're in line for concessions and I see my brother standing over at the butter station. It's always bugged me that about ten years ago movie theaters everywhere stopped buttering your popcorn for you. When you do it yourself you end up only getting butter on the top of your popcorn, and by the middle of the tub it's run dry. Otherwise, you put too much butter on the popcorn and then you have a big greasy pile of heart-attack-in-a-tub.

Thanks to aforementioned brother: Problem Solved.

In a maneuver that could only be matched by MacGyver himself, I see my brother standing at the butter dispenser with a long, movie theater concession stand straw attached to the nozzle. Where does the straw lead?

Straight to the middle of the tub, baby!

Patent pending.

shameless self-promotion

I'm pretty sure that most people who read this blog are aware, but today is the the day that my band's album comes out. It's been a long time coming - lots of blood, sweat, and beers went into the making of the album. We've got our release show tonight at Wise Fools Pub, and I've probably never been more excited for a show. It's looking like it's going to be a packed house, so the band will be giving it everything we've got. It's nice to put so much effort into something, and to be able to celebrate its completion with so many people tonight will be very gratifying.

I don't know how many copies we'll sell, or if anything will ever come of it, but I know we've made something that we're all really proud of.

the urban cougar

Today, three blocks from my house, City of Chicago police officers killed...a cougar.

No joke. A cougar.

Read about it here.

I just got home from band practice at 10 PM. I had to walk a block from the car to my house. It's dark out. Just imagine turning the corner, guitar in hand, and seeing a cougar staring you dead in the eyes. One on one. Man vs. beast.

I would shit my pants.

That's not just an expression, either. I would literally shit my pants.

A cougar?!

Well, I can cross one more thing off my list of shit to worry about: getting mauled by a cougar on a Roscoe Village side street.

no - it's a silent "K"

I'm often referred to as a grumpy, old Mr. Burns-type fellow. In some ways, those people are correct.

For example, from time to time I watch "Wheel of Fortune."

The category was "Place." Here's the puzzle.

C _ _ Y OF L_ _ HT.

The stupid whore on the show goes, "I'd like to solve the puzzle.

"City of Work!"

She must have thought it was a silent "HT" ending, or something.

Sometimes I wish I had Pat Sajak's job.

the squad

Today was what I like to refer to as Spring Christmas (a.k.a. Fantasy Baseball Draft Day).

My team, the Axilla Allstars, are coming off a second place 2007 season. We had a nice squad of keepers (we keep 10 guys), and were able to hold onto most of our draft picks for this year.

My co-owner/team v.p. decided to go to Vegas this weekend. I called him hoping I could catch him just as he was getting back home from his trip, but naturally he missed his flight and was hungover in the Vegas airport.

This is what I'm working with, people.

Anyways, here's the squad. I'd give my draft a B-.


C- J. Varitek
1B - A. Gonzalez*
2B - B. Roberts*
3B - R. Zimmerman*
SS - J. Peralta
OF - C. Crawford*
OF - R. Braun*
OF - A. Jones
UTIL - J. Upton*

SP - C. Zambrano*
SP - F. Carmona*
RP - K. Gregg
RP - T. Jones
P - B. Lyon
P - T. Pena
P - J. Accardo
B - J. Lackey*
B - A. Harang*
B - R. Johnson
B - B. Bannister
B - U. Jimenez

* - kept from last year

All in all, we'll be competitive, but it's going to take some creativity on our part to get this team into one of championship caliber.

For all I know, my co-owner is still passed out in the Vegas airport throwing up into a slot machine bucket next to a lady with purple hair and blue eye shadow and her lucky troll dolls.

Good thing we've got over six months to turn this ship around!

out of hibernation

This has been the shittiest winter I've ever experienced in my 27 years of life. I like to think I'm pretty tough, too. After spending all of my winters in brutal climates, I can honestly say I have been through some shit-f@%^ winters.

But today is 63 degrees and the window in my study is open.

It's sunny at 5:53 PM. Very sunny.

I have fantasy baseball draft plans on my desk.

Aaaaaahhhhhh.

hot zone

Ah, it's been a while. I've been laid out with the flu for the past week.

I haven't had the flu in a couple years, at least. Boy, did I forget how much it sucks.

My kidneys felt like they were the punching bags in a week-long Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kicking Camp. Everything just hurt. Fever. Sweats. Ugh.

Being a school teacher doesn't help anything, either. The job is hard enough as it is. The office is a virtual hot zone. An entire corner of the office was wiped out by the end of the week. One teacher was walking around disinfecting all of our desks at the end of each day. Coincidentally, one of the teachers I share a room with was out today.

My bad.

On a somewhat related note, Evil Prius made his untriumphant return this morning. He speeds past me a quarter-mile away from school and took (what I thought was) the last spot. Fortunately, there was one open spot, but that bastard knew what he was doing, and I plan to give him the flu before the week is out.

I just need to find out where his desk is...COUGHCOUGHCOUGHnon-turn-signal-using-piece-of...

Bastard.

rambo-licious

WARNING: "RAMBO" SPOILERS BELOW. IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE MOVIE AND BE SURPRISED BY ALL OF THE INTRICATE PLOT TWISTS AND CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT - DO NOT READ THIS ENTRY.

With Oscar night less than a week away, I decided that I should go to the movies this weekend. I wanted to be able to root for my favorite movie on Oscar night, so Rambo was an obvious choice.

When you go to see a movie like Rambo you have a certain level of expectation that is not hard to meet. That being said, Rambo met all of my expectations - and then some.

Here are some of the highlights:

- Rambo actually kills a fish with a bow and arrow. He then gives the fish to hungry children. What a guy.

- There is a scene where he is being convinced by a young, attractive missionary to take her group into war-ridden Burma to help the civilians. In this two-minute scene I counted at least 22 cliches. It went something like this:

Cute missionary: "What if one person could make a difference?

Rambo: "Nothing ever changes."

Cute missionary: "I believe in change."

Rambo: "I believe in nothing."

(I can't say with conviction that these are the exact quotes - but you get the idea. This was the whole scene - one of my favorites.)

- Speaking of counting, we tried to count how many people died. The first 14 were easy. But then there was a massacre of a Burmese village when the act of counting casualties became futile. Ballpark - I'd say at least 350 people were killed in the movie. Maybe more.

- Before Rambo begins his adventure, he captures snakes for a living. Snakes!

- There is a scene right before Rambo decides to join a group of mercenaries who are hired to rescue the group of missionaries who were captured. Rambo is welding a weapon which would later be used to kill the evil leader (more on him below), and he says, "You didn't kill for your country. You killed for yourself." Awesome.

- They make the bad guys really bad. There is a scene where they have these four women dancing for them while they are all drinking at a military camp, and then they all go insane and begin to do horrible things to the women (don't worry - they are stopped - thanks to Rambo). But the leader - he's not interested in the women. Nope. He likes little boys. I know! Evil! (Rambo kills him, too, so don't worry about losing sleep over it.)

- Here is a picture of Rambo hunting fish for hungry children (in case you didn't believe me):


All in all, it was a great cinematic experience. I look forward to seeing how they do on Oscar night next Sunday. Even if you're thinking, "Brian just told me the whole movie," don't let that stop you from seeing it. It'll be well worth the price of admission.

mr. president...

I'm sorry, but I couldn't resist.

this blog is so ninja

I'm starting a world-wide campaign. Well, if not world-wide, at least an effort that will tranform the way all English-speaking territories communicate.

I am turning "ninja" into an adjective.

It began back in college as a joke amongst friends. But I was recently reminded of ninjas during a discussion with co-workers last week. I told them about my college friends, and after some convincing they warmed up to the idea.

I've created a group on Facebook.

Join the revolution.

If you don't have Facebook, tell your friends.

If you don't have friends - well, you're just not very ninja.

hey winter!

Go fuck yourself!

Enough already!

snowed in

More snow today. They decided to have an early release at school - 1 PM.

It's only 11 AM right now.

Try teaching a group of low-level freshman who were just told they're allowed to leave school early.

Go ahead. I dare you.

how i know i'm growing older #2

Last weekend Chicago was debilitated by a snow storm. Snow everywhere. Cars buried in. A pile of dark gray slush on every curb that resembled a slurpee recipe gone terribly wrong. It was vintage Chicago winter.

So, naturally, we decide it's a good time to drive to our Friday night destination. I'm in the car with Sean and Dave, and we're off to the Double Door to go see a hip-hop show. I'm in the backseat; the music is loud, spirits are high, and we are off for our Friday night.

We turn the corner on a small side street to head back to Western Avenue, and right in the middle of the intersection is a snow mound left behind by a plow-truck. It's about three feet high, and there are no other people outside on the block.

"Woooooaaaah!"

"Let's drive around it."

"Yeah. Good call."

Five years ago - hell, three years ago - we would have smashed right through that bastage at 30 mph.

feeling lost

Tonight is the season premiere of Lost. I have to admit I'm pretty excited.

Since about half-way through the second season of the show, I've been the guy who watches the show every single week - never misses one episode. Then I show up to work the day after and talk about how much I hate the show.

Yet, I keep watching week after week.

What's up with that?

kids are mean

One of my students was late to class today.

She stuck around after class to explain why. She says, "I was late today because my bag was nuggeted at gym class."

"Your bag was what?"

"Nuggeted."

"What's that?"

"It's when they take your bag, empty out all your books, turn it inside out, and then put everything back in."

I didn't write her up for being late. You can't make shit like that up.

The other thing that kids do is they "tray" each other. That's when you find an unattended bag in the cafeteria and stick a lunch tray inside. So when kids get to their class they open their bags and find a lunch tray alongside their books.

Cold blooded, yo.

kickin' it old school

I got a call from my friend Dustin this afternoon. He tells me he's looking to find some of the old computer games we used to play when we were kids.

In order to find them he literally googles, "i want to play a video game like monkey island 2."

I love Google. But I love the idea of finding these games even more. So of course I'm off to my computer two minutes after hanging up.

So, we finally track down some of our old favorite games. Classics like Monkey Island, Day of the Tentacle, King's Quest, Space Quest, Sherlock Holmes, et al. Essentially, if it was a Sierra or Lucas Arts adventure game, we were all about it.

As I write this the games are downloading. I can't wait. They don't make games like these anymore. I remember my dad getting mad at me when I installed Sherlock Holmes onto our new computer because it took up 30 megabytes of space on the hard drive. The equivalent of what would be a five minute video clip today was an entire game 15 years ago (and a great one, at that)! It took over ten floppy disks to install the game. CDs didn't exist yet.

Unfortunately, as the technology improved, the old adventure games of old went by the wayside. Will this be what it's like when I'm real old? Will I be telling my grandkids what the "good ol'" games were?

"When I was a boy we played games with stories! They made you think! You kids today...meh!"

That'd be sweet.

if you will it, dude...

I was flipping through a magazine last night when I was at the recording studio, and I stumble across an article about an event that seemingly was made for me.

Lebowski Fest.

No joke. I had heard about it before, and I knew there were smaller "Lebowski Fests" around the country, but this one is the big one. It meets annually in Louisville, Kentucky. This year it's July 11-12.

The Big Lebowski has for years been my favorite movie. Sure, I know full well that driving to Louisville to hang out with a bunch of "Achievers" would not only be stupid but probably a monumental waste of time.

But maybe not. Past Lebowski Fests have included Lebowski art shows, appearances by Liam (Jesus' bowling partner), costume contests, live music, all the caucasians a man can drink, and even appearances by The Dude himself!

There's even a Chicago Lebowski Fest taking place, but I missed the boat. It's sold out.

All I want to know is...who's coming with me?

built ford tough

I've been watching a ton of football over the last couple weekends. Most of the games have been real entertaining, and even though the Bears' season ended weeks ago, I still make a point to watch as many games as I can.

Maybe it's just me, but is anyone else irritated by the truck commercials that come on about twice every single commercial break in every NFL game?

I mean seriously, folks. They set up these elaborate testing sites that remind me of gigantic versions of the game "Mouse Trap." You remember "Mouse Trap." It was the game that you didn't actually play. You just set it up to let off the mechanism that closely resembled the gate outside Mikey's house in The Goonies.

Usually these commercials include one, some, or all of the following elements:

1) A train engine.

2) A large cliffside, usually in the desert, that the truck almost falls off (it never does).

3) Some kind of pulley mechanism carrying large construction beams that nearly crush the speeding truck.

4) Hardhats.

5) A large cargo of concrete that is dropped into the truckbed from a minimum of 100 feet above.

6) A John Mellencamp song that makes me ashamed of being both white and American.


But the scary part is that since there are about two truck commercials for every commercial break, there has to be a shit ton of people who are driving these things, and I'm willing to bet 90% of them don't work construction.

Now I get how Bush got elected.

i don't get it

Here are some of the things my students have said to me and other teaching colleagues today:

After two days of outlining and preparation, one of my students says, "I don't get it. What are we writing, again?"

After being given six weeks to read an independent reading book, one student announced in class, "For my book project, I read...I read...I forget what the name is."

And my favorite of the day: "Mr. Wise, when I was in fourth grade I wrote a twenty-four page novella. I'm rewriting it now, but this time it's going to be much more violent. What are we doing today?"

In case you were wondering what we were doing today, it was a final exam essay. No big deal.

seguridad

I spent my Winter Break in Cabo, Mexico. It was a great time and a well-needed break from everything.

We were in the Cabo airport getting ready to head back home, but we had to go through customs first. Technically speaking, I'm not so sure it was customs, but I sure-as-shit wouldn't call it security, either.

This guy opens my bag up (as is customary for all luggage, apparently) and moves one t-shirt to the side.

"Any tequila in here, amigo?"

"Um. No."

"Okay then."

And then he zips it up.

"Next."

If only I was actually smuggling something back home. Damn.

I cannot wait to go back to Mexico.

what day is this?

Today is January 7th, 2008.

I'm in Chicago.

It's 68 degrees outside.

Seriously?